maajna

If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?


I wish my boys will get there safely,
then return to me.

Totally wrote a story with the same premise before. Shhhhhhhh...


( but if you've known love like the jokers before )

More like 20 Minute Challenge, but never mind.

( long lost fables )

This is the random number generator code I'm using for the 15MC, obviously Auronox inspired. I'll probably change it up once I've developed a more sophisticated system. (raises pinky)

1-Sean
2-Luna
3-Eerin
4-Chai
5-Zachary
6-Libby
7-Aeneas
8-Sariya
9-Other Character

0-Self
1-Object
2-First-person P.O.V.
3-Second-person P.O.V.
4-Family
5-Sex
6-Memory
7-Love interest
8-Photograph
9-Literal interpretation

+

Date (1 August 2005 - Today) / Current Day of Week

Ready, set, go!

( real happiness within reach )

The Land Before Time. I haven't seen it in forever though!

Other films I was a huge fan of: Twister, Clueless, and Bebe's Kids--all decidedly NOT my favorite movies anymore, although there is still a very special place inside for them, haha.

............Bret.

Sorry.

It's a tie between Gort from The Day the Earth Stood Still and Mr. Butlertron from Clone High.

YES.

Yes, in Switzerland. These cute guys were giving out free hugs, so of course I had to capitalize.

Immediately after I realized it might have all been a clever ploy to steal my wallet. They didn't, and I felt bad for assuming that they, like so many others in the world, would do something mean in the guise of doing something nice.

Oh well. Given my economic circumstance at the time, I'm surprised I even worried about my stupid wallet.

For 2009, duh.

1) Be more honest with myself and others.
2) Be more confident.

That's all.

Today's Daily Lesson:

Don't ask drunk people on dates. They won't remember.

Dammit.

I.

How do you heal the heart thrice wounded? It is open and raw, and it leaks even when it doesn't rain. Your name echoes through all the scraped and hollowed chasms, like candlelight winking in a jack o' lantern.

The pain carries over seasons.

I think it carries across oceans.


II.

You are abbreviated, commodified, stereotyped, inundated, imitated, let loose, gathered back, scattered once more to the wind. You are missing in my body, falling through the thread of my sheets, in the space between the wall and the bed and you are lying somewhere there, the lost remote to my senses. Senses I have difficulty controlling without you.


III.

Where does love end and distance begin? Does such a place exist?

Can I ship my unquenchable hope to you in a box? How many stamps do I need? How much does it weigh?

If you love someone else, will you still die for me?


IV.

The sun is setting now and I have trouble seeing in the dark. If I reach out, grasping madly, I find your hand -- long bones, broad-minded nails, cold, like mine --waiting patiently.

Each day, I sigh with relief. You pull me under street lights where we are dimly illuminated, the colors hazy and romantic, everything unreal. You affirm in me the strength to guide myself while never leaving my side.

Each day, I am more beautiful. My hair gets longer, my eyes turn darker. Your candor enhances my kindness, and you use my name to soothe all ancient savagery. I am a better person because of you. But always, always, as I am reaching out my hand, there is that sick, wild fear that I won't find you. That fear will be the ruin of me.


V.

You are every ring I have ever owned. I cherish you dearly but I know, one day, I will lose you.

If you know me, then you know that being at peace is one thing that does not come naturally to me. Every day it seems, I devise new credos, new plans, new ways to outsmart my constantly figuring, calculating, worrying mind. Well, maybe today is just like every day.

Today, also like every other day, I encountered more problems to place on my pile of endless setbacks, and something happened, I think I'm coming apart. I realized how ridiculous it is. I spend so much time worrying about what happened in the past, and what's going to happen in the future, that I very, very rarely get to enjoy the present. Just yesterday, I thought "Wow, I was pretty happy all day" and I was skeptical and amazed. But just the idea that I can go days on end, weeks on end, months on end, without having one singularly happy day--and not blissfully happy either, just not unhappy--is so...it's so depressing, that I'm finally finding the courage to do something about it.

My active inner-monologue is always telling me what a bad person I am. Sometimes, I feel consumed with negative energy, like a shapeless mass of self-destructive and plainly hateful thoughts that never come to fruit, no, but cluster and feed on all of my positive energy.

I've always used the excuse that by not acting on my bad thoughts, I therefore remain a good person. But in my mini-quest for structure and guidance (don't laugh), I came to Buddha, who said: What we think, we become.

Which made me realize: just by thinking bad thoughts, believing that I'm a bad person, criticizing myself in my head, thinking about what I should have done or said, worrying about what I'm going to do if X or Y happens, thinking hateful things towards other people, I'm drowning in it all. And slowly, I'm afraid I'm becoming everything that I really really don't want to be.


I know that the path to happiness is a long one and a hard one, one of those uphill-both-ways-barefoot-in-the-snow kind of deals and one that most people never stay on, if they pass by it at all. But I want to be happy. The Dalai Lama says that the purpose of our lives is to be happy. And I'm really thinking that the reason I've found it so elusive lately is because finding happiness is simple, and I think waaaaay too much which, if you know me, you will be saying "Well yes, duh, because you're Simone". Which is true. But maybe it doesn't have to be.

I've tried a lot of things, and typically, they don't last more than an hour. Nevertheless, my focus for the next week is to try and stay in the present, with what's happening right in front of me, instead of worrying and regretting and being consumed by negative energy and being constantly unhappy, which will be harder than I realize but then, that's just bad energy talking, I guess.

Dead Like Me was and continues to be my favorite show of all time. I'm so sad that it ended where it did, because the relationships between the characters had really started to get interesting. Oh George Lass, we hardly knew ye. Sigh.

I'm starting to think my whole life is a string of missed opportunities. Why is this so hard?

Someone turn off the sun, it's too bright.

thanks for not asking
what you really want to know
tell me how does it feel
not to let it show
not to let it show

maybe i can leave behind
the part that let you down
i'll take the long way home
and see what you found

see what you found
in the hours i left for you
in the dark, i see what's left for me

we're glad to be scattered
and torn across the past
'cause love at eighteen
was never meant to last

so thanks for not asking
what you really want to know
tell me how does it feel
not to let it show
not to let it show


Glad to be Scattered
--Track a Tiger

Artful combination of Pandora / swivel chair. Works well enough for up to forty-five minutes in an office; or, if my boss is out, I usually look up random things on Wikipedia because, yeah, I'm that nerdy.